Those closest to me are telling me I shouldn't be dwelling on this, but those closest to me also know that I just can't help it...I've been pondering over this blog for days, and it's still not exactly right, just a glimpse of what I'm feeling...no comments necessary.
While Brian and I - and more specifically, the little gremlin within - are definitely not "in the clear" yet as far as tragedy that could strike early on in a pregnancy goes - with each day that passes, we are getting more and more excited about the prospect of the new life that is growing within me.
So far so good, as they say.
However, some who are close to us, haven't been as fortunate. Whether they've been unable to conceive, or have lost their little babes early on in their pregnancies - I can't help but feel guilty at expressing my joy while they're in the midst of grief and sorrow. I can't even begin to put into words the sadness that fills my heart when I think of their struggle and loss. They are living my worst nightmare. And I can't do anything about it. Does that make it better or worse?
Am I not allowed to rejoice in my situation? Are they still happy for us, or will they be angered by our happiness and excitement? Don't they know I am enveloped in their sorrow with them? Do they realize that I DO know how blessed I am? Will they hate my baby? Are they angered because they think I feel sorry for them? And on and on and on....
Yes and No. The answers to all these questions can't/won't ever be clear. Some questions probably aren't even rational - but they swirl around in my head nonetheless, tugging at the back of my mind and tugging at my heart.
Thankfully, and probably the only comfort many of us have in the midst of this sort of turmoil is that, God has a plan for each of us.
All we can do is trust that plan and remain faithful.
3 comments:
It is extremely difficult to face those questions. And it sounds like you have all the right answers. Of course they know that you grieve for them, and no one would ever want you to not be joyful for your own little miracle of life. So both emotions are completely appropriate.
My oh my can I relate to this. I don't know how it makes sense statistically, and I have a bit of a conspiracy theory, but there is not a close girlfriend in my life that hasn't encountered some difficulty in their journey to start families. From early miscarriages to years of unexplained infertility to stillborns to ectopic pregnancies to molar pregnancies. You name it. And for Alex and me, we were fortunate that getting and staying pregnant were relatively easy for us. I definitely felt conflicted. I felt guilty that I had it easy, as though I should somehow suffer because those around me seemed to. That said, as I got more comfortable in the pregnancy (it took me until week 20 when I saw the high-quality ultrasound and learned the gender) I also became more comfortable accepting that we each have our own stories. And that, gratefully, easily bringing Francie into this world was part of my story. My perspective now is that I want to share her with my girlfriends, rather than shy away from the discomfort of me getting what I want. I figure the more love, the better. And that maybe somehow the universe knows and that love for one child can multiple to help make love for other children. Just a thought ...
I know you said that you didn't need comments, but I have to. I understand how you are feeling! When I was pregnant for the fifth time, another of our friends was also pregnant. A second had just had a baby. When we discovered that it was a tubal pregnancy and had to be removed, we were heartbroken. Yes, when I'd see our pregnant friend it was hard. But in no way did I resent her, her family or her beautiful baby. It was also so healing to know that babies are born every day w/o any problems or issues and to know that we already had been blessed with two wonderful children (we're a bit biased). And now? I love watching my friend's little girl grow and learn new things. I don't think of our baby every time I see her...in fact, the sight of her doesn't bring him/her to mind at all anymore. I just see a lovely little two-year-old. And the friend that already had a little one at the time? She's so very and lets me borrow him on occasion... Such a joy.
I've been pregnant six times and have two children and, yes, I worried the entire pregnancy each and every time. I think it's just part of our human nature. Luckily, we believe in a higher power and can put that worry out of our minds (or try our hardest) and leave it in God's hands. Our family is perfect just the way it is...no regrets.
Hang in there...take care of yourself...and we can't wait to meet the new little one!
Love-Katie
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