Those closest to me are telling me I shouldn't be dwelling on this, but those closest to me also know that I just can't help it...I've been pondering over this blog for days, and it's still not exactly right, just a glimpse of what I'm feeling...no comments necessary.
While Brian and I - and more specifically, the little gremlin within - are definitely not "in the clear" yet as far as tragedy that could strike early on in a pregnancy goes - with each day that passes, we are getting more and more excited about the prospect of the new life that is growing within me.
So far so good, as they say.
However, some who are close to us, haven't been as fortunate. Whether they've been unable to conceive, or have lost their little babes early on in their pregnancies - I can't help but feel guilty at expressing my joy while they're in the midst of grief and sorrow. I can't even begin to put into words the sadness that fills my heart when I think of their struggle and loss. They are living my worst nightmare. And I can't do anything about it. Does that make it better or worse?
Am I not allowed to rejoice in my situation? Are they still happy for us, or will they be angered by our happiness and excitement? Don't they know I am enveloped in their sorrow with them? Do they realize that I DO know how blessed I am? Will they hate my baby? Are they angered because they think I feel sorry for them? And on and on and on....
Yes and No. The answers to all these questions can't/won't ever be clear. Some questions probably aren't even rational - but they swirl around in my head nonetheless, tugging at the back of my mind and tugging at my heart.
Thankfully, and probably the only comfort many of us have in the midst of this sort of turmoil is that, God has a plan for each of us.
All we can do is trust that plan and remain faithful.